The Horror In My TV Room

Ok, let's get some business settled first. Earlier I said I watched some "classic" movies that I thought people would be shocked I had not seen. I got some comments and some emails, begging me (well, they at least asked) to reveal which movies. I'll reveal one:

TOP GUN

I take solace in the knowledge that I am not the only person out there who does not "get" this movie. Sure, it was well-acted. It looked great. And, yes, it made Tom Cruise a big star.

But, um... step in a little if you can so I can whisper this: what the hell was the movie about? I kept thinking this is SHOWGIRLS with fighter jets. Ahh, SHOWGIRLS. So bad, it's good. But this was just the bad part of SHOWGIRLS. I didn't get what the heck was going on, who I was supposed to care about, and what these "characters" wanted. I. Don't. Get. It. Yet, some people love the movie. Worship the movie. Really, kids, watch JERRY MAGUIRE and every once in a while flip the channel to TLC and watch a documentary on jets. I will bet you a bucket of popcorn it's a better time than TOP GUN.

But, back to our topic: The Horror In My TV Room. Oh, the big screen can make things seem so much better. And so, so, so much worse.

The "good" horror: THE SURREAL LIFE. Better than a train wreck because it not only has Chyna Doll (the WWE wrestler -- yes, she IS a woman), but it has Mini Me! Oh, and the coup de grace of all? Christopher "I'm Peter Freaking Brady" Knight. If you are not watching this show, then take out SHOWGIRLS, put TOP GUN away, and turn it on. Mark my words, you will laugh. You will. I am not saying it's smart, but it's funny.

The "bad" horror: AMERICAN IDOL. I know some of the auditioners are fakes, but some of them -- some really bad ones -- are real. Now, let me clarify, I love the show. Sometimes it's funny. Mostly, it is just sad and almost hard to watch. I am often embarrassed for those auditioning. I used to sing. I know my limitations. Let me give you some advice: if you audition for A.I. and tell them you were a cruise ship singer -- and you suck -- then they tell you "you sound like a cruise ship singer," DON'T GET MAD! They're right. YOU TOLD THEM! Theme Park singer can be bad enough (I have the tapes and so help me, I WILL make you watch them), but cruise ship is just so... so... "honey, you weren't good enough to stay on land, so we're gonna make you sing in the middle of the ocean where only those trapped can hear you." It sounds like punishment for performer and guest.

Sorry. I calls them as I sees them.

So, there you have it. We covered TOP GUN, SHOWGIRLS, THE SURREAL LIFE, THE BRADY BUNCH, AMERICAN IDOL, JERRY MAGUIRE, and The Learning Channel. I think that's pretty darn good.

Just for kicks, let's mention one of THE best 80's sci-fi/horror classics (that my writing partner flatly refuses to watch), NIGHT OF THE COMET. It's the end of the world and all we have left are two cheerleaders. Awesome!

In the immortal words of my partner: "This is it!"

So, have a great night and sing your heart out. Just don't get upset that...

--"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
CARRIE