The Hills Have Eyes...

But they don't have any teeth.

Yes, of course, I saw the remake of THE HILLS HAVE EYES last night. Yes, it had alot of gory moments. Yes, it was rather faithful to the Wes Craven original. And, yes, Kathleen Quinlan must have needed a mortgage payment.

Oh, and no, it is not that great a film. It isn't that gross, the adaptation didn't improve on Wes' original and, worst of all, it just. Isn't. Scary. As a matter of fact, when the audience, as a whole, laughs out loud more than once when your leads are in danger...well, the filmmakers have some 'splaining to do!

I certainly am happy that the film got made. I certainly want it to do well (and, mark my words, I'll be shocked if it doesn't do at least $15 million this weekend). I also think the film looked great, considering the entire film is really a drab desert landscape. Still, and maybe it's the writer in me, shouldn't a film -- a horror film -- be scary, but make sense?

There are alot of issues with this script, but the biggest one calls itself out near the beginning -- and it completely makes you realize we're in for a ride of the contrived. Big Bob (the father) tells the gas station attendant that he likes to drive and doesn't mind spending hours on the road...so why, then, would he take a shortcut? On a road not on the map. A road that isn't paved or even nearly smooth. With a camper hitched to the back!

It just doesn't work and forces me to think, "wow, you're not dumb. You're really dumb!"

Then, when things start to happen and it's clear that the hills do, indeed, have something, things get more cliche...

*****SPOILER ALERT*****
Not major, but I am going to say something that happens, so stop now if you want to be surprised if, and when, you see the film.
(okay, you won't ever be surprised in this film, but hey)

The young son goes off and finds his dead dog -- cut open -- signaling they are not alone. He sees someone running and falls and hits his head. Hours later (conveniently, even though the hill people like to kill, torture, and eat their victims, they leave him alone!), his sister finds him and they take him back...where he decides not to tell anyone anything! I'm sorry, but I would be like, "the dog is dead, there are ugly hill people running around, and we are so outta here anyway we can." Why in the world would he hide it? Because, as he states later (right as his sister is being raped by a guy with a TON of foam rubber on his face) "I didn't want to scare anyone." Oh, well, that's good. We'll just DIE instead!

*****END SPOILER*****

...and that's how you get gum out of your hair...oh, you're back. Good.

As you can see, it's easy to go on and on about why this film didn't work for me. Still, it is getting decent reviews (I am convinced any film that pushes the violence envelope and tries to have "a message" about society gets okay reviews) and it could have been worse.

It could have starred Keanu Reeves (who, let's just say it, was pretty chunky at the Oscars. And did he and Sandra Bullock arrive in a bus sticking their heads out the window? What was with her hair!)

Oh, and have we talked about HOSTEL? Good, we won't, other than it was bad, direction was stilted, the acting was awful, the story was...okay, there really wasn't a story... and it wasn't scary OR gory. CABIN FEVER at least had the ugly little boy-who-looked-like-a-girl that did karate kicks and screamed, "PANCAKES!" Now that's a movie!

In other news, our action/adventure script is in, looks good, and we're waiting to hear what will happen. It would be great if it sold, of course, but even if it can get us work on other scripts, that would be nice, too.

Only time will tell.

Until next time...

--"It's amazing what you can do... when you don't have to look at yourself in the mirror any more. "
HOLLOW MAN